3 Principles of Creative Correction in Families

In a loving family, parents give correction when needed. But it is important that correction be given creatively. Remember: our goal is to teach in such a way as to whet the appetite. We want to stimulate the child to positive behavior. Correction can be given negatively or positively. Let’s look at a positive pattern of correction.

1. Correct the Right Behavior

First of all, we must make sure that we are not correcting behavior that doesn’t need to be corrected. In our efforts to teach our children, we sometimes stifle creativity in favor of conformity. Creativity is the wonderful gift of thinking outside the lines. It is our creativity that allows us to develop the uniqueness implanted within each of us. To stifle this creativity is to make children look like cookies rather than snowflakes. Dr. Howard Hendricks, national speaker on the subject of creativity, tells of the child who drew flowers with faces. The teacher said, “Johnny, flowers don’t have faces.”

Johnny replied, “Mine do!” Johnny’s creativity is still alive, but if his teacher succeeds, his flowers will eventually look like everyone else’s flowers. In a healthy family, we are seeking to correct only those kinds of behavior that are destructive and detrimental to the child’s development. We are not trying to destroy the child’s unique expressions of creativity.

A good question for the parent to ask is, “Is the behavior I am about to correct truly destructive to my child? Will it be detrimental to his future if I allow it to continue?” If the answer is yes, then correction is in order. If the answer is no or if you are uncertain, then it is time to explore the child’s behavior further. Perhaps you will find an opportunity to encourage the developing of creativity and imagination. For example, the teacher might have responded to Johnny’s flower with a face by asking Johnny to explain what the flower is saying. Johnny could then use his imagination to express a message that would likely reveal something of his own thoughts and feelings and give the teacher much insight into what is going on inside Johnny’s mind. Asking questions before we decide to give correction is a safeguard that healthy parents have learned.

2. Correct in Love

Assuming correction is needed, we must correct out of love, not out of uncontrolled anger. Love seeks the well-being of the child and believes that the correction given is for the long-term benefit of the child. Expressions of uncontrolled anger are simply the venting of our own frustration and may be extremely destructive to the child. I am not suggesting that a parent should never feel anger toward a child; that is unrealistic. Anger is the emotion that arises inside us when we perceive that the child has done wrong, such as when he refuses to follow our instruction or interprets our “no” as a “maybe” that could turn into a “yes” if he pleads with us long enough.

Assuming correction is needed, we must correct out of love, not out of uncontrolled anger.

Anger is a perfectly normal and often wholesome emotion. Its purpose is to motivate us to take constructive action; however, parents often allow their anger to go unchecked and end up with destructive words and behavior. If you feel anger toward your child and believe that the child needs correction, you will do far better to restrain your initial response, give yourself time to cool down, and then come back to verbally correct the child and to give further discipline if needed.

Love asks the essential question, “Is the correction I am about to give for the benefit of my child (or the entire family/community)?” It is this reality that must be communicated to the child in our efforts to correct. “I love you a lot. I love you a whole lot. And I want to see you live to adulthood. Therefore, you must never again ride your bicycle without a helmet. Understand?” If, after this loving correction, you hand the child a newspaper clipping of a teenager who was killed when thrown from a bicycle, you are likely to have a helmet-wearing child forever.

Creative correction must also seek to explain. Typically, tongue-lashing does not correct behavior. Rather, it ostracizes children. As soon as the child is old enough to understand, we should seek to explain the wrong behavior and give instruction for the future. Our purpose is not to humiliate the child by calling him names; our purpose is  to correct the child so that he can become a responsible individual. To call a child “stupid” reveals more about our own intelligence than it does about the child’s. No thinking adult would wish to communicate such an idea to a child.

This does not mean that if we have reverted to such name-calling, we are forever dysfunctional parents. It does mean that we must take action to confess our wrongdoing to the child. “I am sorry I lost my temper, and I am especially sorry that I called you ‘stupid’ because that is not true. You are a very intelligent person. I am the one who was unwise in using that word. I was upset, and I failed to get control of myself before I started talking. I want to ask you to forgive me. I want to help you become an even wiser person than you are now, and I want to continue learning how to be a good father.” These are the words of a wise father indeed. Children are willing to forgive failure if we are willing to admit it.

3. Correct One Behavior at a Time

The third principle of creative correction is that we deal only with the matter at hand. We do not bring up past failures. To parade before a child all of his past failures before you correct him for his current failure is to communicate that he must indeed be a failure. How many times did Edison fail before he invented the lightbulb? No one calls Edison a failure, although he failed far more often than he succeeded. Your child may be an Edison. Don’t discourage him by parading his past failures before him.

To parents who tend to be perfectionistic, I must add this warning: please do not expect perfection of your children. Machines may perform perfectly, at least if everything is in operating order, but your child is not a machine. He or she is a human, filled with potential and pitfalls. It is the task of the parent to help the child avoid the pitfalls in an effort to reach his or her potential. We do this best not by demanding perfection, but by encouraging effort and making corrections when needed.

Children are willing to forgive failure if we are willing to admit it.

Lending courage to try again is far more productive than saying, “Well, you failed again. Why don’t you just quit?” or “Let me do it for you.” The “let me do it for you” philosophy of parenting produces fearful, passive, nonproductive children. When parents “take charge,” they stifle the child’s initiative to learn. Remember, our task as parents is not to get the job done; our task is to whet the appetite of our children so that they will be highly motivated to experience the joy of learning and become productive adults.

If the child tends to be easily discouraged in his efforts and seems to be overly sensitive to criticism, parents may wish to expose him to the biographies of people like Thomas Edison, Helen Keller, Babe Ruth, and George Washington Carver, who stand as monuments of what can be accomplished through failure. Failure is our friend, not our enemy. Every failure teaches us another way not to do it. With new insight, we come closer to the truth. Through such biographies, children’s perception of failure may be turned in a positive direction.