4 Replacements Required in Marriage

The Perfection Infection has contaminated marriages just as it’s contaminated all the other parts of our lives. The first step in building up a resistance to this damaging ailment is to recognize its existence and its effect on our marriage. Once we can see the reality of marriage, we can begin to apply the antidotes needed.

1. Replace Pride with Humility

There’s no other relationship where replacing pride with humility is more important than in marriage. Pride keeps conflict unresolved. It keeps us from owning our own stuff. It keeps us from being willing to see there are other good ways to do things than the way we think is the only right way. Pride separates, hurts, and even destroys.

Humility forms the core of a healthy marriage. Humility helps bring resolve to conflict. It allows us to own our own stuff, no matter how big or small our contributions are to the problem. Humility allows us to see that other people have good ideas. Humility unites, heals, and builds up. If you need to replace pride with humility in your heart, you’ll find one or more of these strategies helpful:

Own your own stuff. Even if your spouse is 90 percent wrong and you are only 10 percent wrong, apologize for your 10 percent and ask for forgiveness—regardless of whether your spouse owns his part or not. You and I are only responsible for the condition of our hearts and our obedience to God.

Insecurity in a marriage causes us to expect our spouse to meet needs that only God can meet.

Look at what God says about pride. If you go to www.biblegateway.com and search the word pride, you’ll find that more than sixty verses deal with pride. I would say that makes it a big deal. These verses from the book of Proverbs help us understand why we need to deal with pride: “I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech” (8:13), “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom” (11:2), “Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice” (13:10), “A fool’s mouth lashes out with pride, but the lips of the wise protect them” (14:3), and “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (16:18).

Practice humility. Humility comes naturally to some people, but usually it needs to be learned. Start by deferring to your husband when something really doesn’t matter. For instance, if he suggests you go to a Mexican restaurant for dinner when you were thinking Italian, just agree to Mexican with a joyful heart. With humility, we accept our place as one person in a marriage of two or one person in a family of five. When we recognize that we are no more important than anyone else, it allows us to replace pride with humility.

2. Replace Fear with Courage

Fear keeps us from being honest, which keeps emotional intimacy at bay. Courage keeps us honest and deepens the intimacy in marriage. Fear breeds insecurity. Courage brings out confidence. Here are some practical ways to replace fear with courage:

Identify the root of your fears. Are you afraid of rejection? Were you conditioned to be dishonest about your feelings in your home of origin? Do you want to please people so much that you are unable to be honest? Are you afraid of being criticized? Once you are able to identify what is at the core of your fear, you’ll better understand the motivation behind your actions. Share your discovery with your spouse and ask him to help you replace fear with courage in your interactions with him.

Take a risk. Are you afraid to tell your husband how you really feel about something? Take a risk and honestly answer a question your husband asks or share with him something you’re thinking. Focus on the courage God gives you, not the fear you are feeling. The more risks you take, you’ll begin to discover how much you mentally “awfulize” things that never come to fruition. Your fear will decrease and your courage will increase.

Evaluate your fears. On a piece of paper, make five columns. In the first column, list the things that scare you the most. In the second column, for each of those fears, write down what is the absolute worst thing that could happen if your fears came true. Then in the third column, write down how likely the worst thing is to happen. In the next column, write down how that fear is holding you back. Finally, in the last column, for one or two of the fears you’ve listed, write down how you are going to face that fear. Give yourself a practical action to take and a specific date by which you will take that action. Now follow through and watch your courage grow.

3. Replace Insecurity with Confidence

Insecurity in a marriage causes us to expect our spouse to meet needs that only God can meet. It’s important to need our spouse, but equally important to need him in a healthy, balanced way.

Insecurity can also cause us to impose our fears on our spouse. We can ruminate and worry over something so hard and so long that we actually begin to believe it has actually happened—when in reality it hasn’t. Consider these if you need to move from insecurity to confidence in your marriage:

Evaluate emotional baggage you might have carried into your marriage. For instance, did your dad desert your family when you were a child? Are you subconsciously waiting for your husband to do the same thing? If you can understand where your insecurity comes from, you’re more likely to be able to address it successfully.

Grace recognizes that we all make mistakes. God gives us grace when we don’t deserve it.

Seek counseling. Sometimes our insecurities are deep enough that we need help to understand them. A few sessions with a licensed Christian counselor can help you move insecurity out of your heart.

Read the book How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich (Waterbrook). This book helps you understand what a “secure” relationship connection looks like. It also helps us understand how family of origin affects our love relationships.

4. Replace Judgment with Grace

This is one of the most important antidotes to apply in marriage. Every one of us harbors judgment in our hearts at one time or another. Judging especially raises its ugly head in our marriages when we think thoughts like, He’s so stupid. Can’t he get it right? or I swear he’s just like one of the kids. Or He’s so irresponsible. Try these strategies to replace judgment with grace:

Pay attention to your thought life. The Bible says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23). Your head and your heart work together to determine attitude and behavior. The minute you think something judgmental about your husband, tell God you’re sorry and replace the thought with something honoring to your husband.

Give grace space. When you give grace to your husband, you allow him to be human, to make mistakes without being criticized all the time. Grace recognizes that we all make mistakes. God gives us grace when we don’t deserve it. Give your husband grace when he doesn’t deserve it.