5 Common Barriers to Healthy Communication in Marriage

The picture of marital oneness is beautiful, but the real-life creation of such a portrait is another matter. It requires your greatest creativity and energies, but few things in life are more rewarding. Because there are common barriers to communication, I want to give practical suggestions that may speak to your own problem.

1. Keeping Things Inside

“They Won’t Open Up”—Without doubt, the most common complaint I hear from troubled couples is that one partner refuses to talk meaningfully. Let me say first of all that this tendency to keep things inside should not be viewed as a mental disorder. I have known husbands who have recognized their own reticence to open their hearts to anyone, their wives included, and who have allowed the problem to lead to depression and self-deprivation. Their conclusion has been that they are hopelessly mentally ill. Such is not the case.

We all have strengths and weaknesses in our personalities. Though we cannot correct the past, we are masters of the future. Throughout childhood, for whatever reason, we may have developed a withdrawn, inwardly directed personality, but that does not mean that we cannot learn to open our lives and experience the joy of unity with our mates. Any pattern that has developed can also be altered. We must decide that marital oneness is worth the pain of alteration. (And I assure you that it is.)

Without doubt, the most common complaint I hear from troubled couples is that one partner refuses to talk meaningfully.

A beginning step to communication is to discuss the problem with your spouse. Sit down with them in a comfortable setting, and in your own words say, “I know that the unity of our marriage is not what it could be. I know also that one of our big problems is my reluctance to talk with you. I keep things inside; I have difficulty saying what I really think or feel. I know that this makes it hard on you because you cannot read my mind. I really want to grow in this area, and I am asking for your help. I am not sure what you can do to help, but maybe you have some ideas.” Give your mate a chance to respond. Perhaps they do have some ideas.

Maybe there’s a wound from the past that needs healing. If it is still on your mind, you need to be open so that your partner can have a chance to correct it. No failure is worth a lifetime of misery. You must be willing to confess and forgive. If you have difficulty verbalizing the problem, then write it in a letter, and ask him to read it in your presence. Then discuss the matter. Sometimes you can say in writing what you have difficulty expressing aloud.

If you believe discussion of other areas would help communication, confide in each other. After all, your discussion is on communication. You are admitting your difficulty and looking for help, so any suggestion should be considered. Perhaps your sexual needs are not being met, and you have developed a very negative attitude toward your mate. You have never discussed it, but this may be a real barrier to your communication in other areas. This is the time to speak of it. It cannot hurt. It may help.

To conclude this conversation about communication, I suggest that you join in prayer. You may or may not be able to pray aloud, but certainly you can pray silently. If it is to be silent prayer, then agree to hold hands while praying and say “Amen” when you have finished.

2. Anger

“I Have Such a Temper”—Uncontrolled anger is certainly a barrier to communication. It is difficult, if not impossible, to communicate when one is angry. The capacity for anger, however, must not be seen as an evil. It is the emotion of anger against injustice and inequity that gives rise to social reform. Jesus Himself was angry upon occasion (Mark 3:5).

Most of our anger, however, does not arise from a concern for righteousness but from a self-centered heart. Someone has rubbed us the wrong way, or we did not get our way. Such anger is condemned in Scripture (Eph. 4:31). Even a righteous anger can very easily lead to wrong actions. Therefore, Paul warns us in Ephesians 4:26, “Don’t sin by letting anger control you.” We must not allow anger to control us and lead us to wrong actions. The emotion of anger may be beyond our control, but our actions in response to anger are not. We have the ability to control anger instead of being controlled by it. We cannot rightfully excuse rash behavior by simply saying, “I have a temper.” We all have tempers, and we all have the responsibility to deal with our tempers.

In marital conflict, how then am I to control my anger? I suggest the simple technique of withdrawing for evaluation. When you feel anger rising (all of us are aware of when that is happening to us), at that moment, move to control it. A simple statement such as “I can feel myself getting angry. I don’t want to get angry, and I know you do not want me to get angry. So let’s agree to stop discussing this until I can get my feelings under control.” (I am not talking about days, but perhaps minutes or at most a few hours.) The biblical admonition is “Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Eph. 4:26). This is not an avoidance of the conflict but a temporary withdrawal for the purpose of controlling emotions.

Having withdrawn from the source of heat, evaluate your thoughts, actions, and feelings with God. Never try to do this alone, or you will come to the wrong conclusions. “Lord, why would I get so upset over this matter?” might be an appropriate prayer. Admit and confess selfish motives, wrong attitudes, or any other failure— first to God, then to your mate.

Anger may well reveal an area of your relationship that needs attention.

With the emotion calmed, come back to discussing the problem, perhaps using an each-take-a-turn approach. There are answers to all problems. Following your anger with harsh, cutting words or physical abuse only compounds the problem. It never solves it.

Anger may well reveal an area of your relationship that needs attention. If you respond constructively, it can stimulate growth in oneness. If, however, you allow anger to control you, it will lead to separation, not oneness. Anger always drives apart. Control of anger may well bring you closer together.

3. Selfishness

“He’s So Selfish”—“But my husband is so selfish,” someone says. “Even when he does communicate, it is to demand his own way. I am always wrong. ‘Sit down, and let me tell you how things are going to be’ is his idea of communication.”

Selfishness is the greatest barrier to oneness, and we are all afflicted with the disease. We are our own greatest enemy in attaining marital unity. By nature we lean in the opposite direction: “My side always appears right to me. Otherwise, it would not be my side. You don’t think I would choose the wrong side, do you?”

It is an awareness of human nature that will help us at this point. Recognizing this chink in our armor will help us evaluate every situation in a more realistic manner. I can expect myself to be selfish because this is my nature. But as a Christian, I have a new nature— the very real presence of the Holy Spirit in my life. Therefore, I have a choice. I do not have to bow to my old selfish nature. I have the option of choosing to cooperate with the Holy Spirit in doing the unselfish thing.

The opposite of selfishness is love, biblical love, which is self-giving and unconditional. This is the greatest gift I have to offer my mate. But I am not free to offer such love until I have decided against selfishness. The choice is mine.

It is true that you cannot deal with the selfishness of your mate. You can deal only with your own. If you deal with your own, however, you are giving your mate a model to emulate. (Most of us would respond positively to a loving model.) When you no longer fight the selfishness of your mate, you are free to concentrate upon the defeat of your own selfishness.

4. Fear

“I Don’t Want to Hurt Them”—Many husbands and wives have refrained from expressing themselves because they did not want to hurt their mates. They have believed that if they were honest, it would be more than the partners could stand. Thus, they are content to live with limited unity rather than splinter the relationship. The intent is worthy, and most of us have felt this tension at one time or another. Yet we cannot grow and mature in our relationship without taking on adult responsibilities—which are sometimes challenging.

The opposite of selfishness is love, biblical love, which is self-giving and unconditional.

I do not mean that you should hit your mate with your whole tale of woe thirty minutes before dinner on Friday evening. A time and place should be selected carefully. There is also the principle of constructive communication as opposed to destructive explosion. Romans 14:19 (NIV) suggests, “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.” The word edify, as we’ve seen, means to “build up.” Your objective must be clearly in mind—to build up your mate. “Love edifies” (1 Cor. 8:1 NASB).

I am not encouraging the emptying of your negative garbage upon your mate’s head in the name of honesty. The Christian plan is to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15), and love edifies. We speak the truth, but we seek to say it in such a way as to build up, rather than to destroy.

A good question to ask is “What is my motive in saying this?” Are you doing it out of a bitter heart that wants to be vindictive? Then it is wrong and will drive you apart rather than draw you together. All of us have negative thoughts and feelings toward our mates at certain times. Honesty does not compel us to express all these feelings. We must allow these feelings to go through the filter of “edification.” If they come out as building blocks—great! Express them! If they come out as bombs, then defuse them before you have destroyed the very thing that you most desire.

Having said this, I want to remind you that certain aspects of building up another are painful. Personal growth does not come without pain. And genuine love moves out to stimulate growth even if it must be accompanied with pain. No one enjoys pain, and your mate will not likely be joyful over your expression of truth, but if such pain can bring growth, it is worthwhile. Surgery is never a pleasing thought, but the result may be life itself. All of us need emotional, social, and spiritual surgery along the way, and our mates may well be the chosen surgeons.

5. Feeling Inadequate

“I Know That I Lack Self-Confidence”—Many of us struggle with long-term, deep-seated feelings of inadequacy—even though on the surface we may look confident and competent. We look back at a string of failures and find our successes hard to remember. We view ourselves as threatened by every social encounter. Thus, when we come to marriage, we find it difficult to express our ideas for fear of further rejection and failure. James Dobson observes that “Lack of self-esteem produces more symptoms of psychiatric disorders than any other factor yet identified.”[1] He notes that our culture’s value system exalts beauty, brains, and athletic ability.[2] If we have failed in these three areas (most of which are beyond our control), then we see ourselves as failures.

Surely, you have weaknesses. Surely, you have failed. But you also have strengths, and you can succeed in many things. You may not be able to pass the MCAT entrance exam to medical school, but you know how to get a social media page up and running. You may not look like a size 0, but you’re outgoing and likable and have great artistic flair. Your skills are not the same as others, nor should they be. God does not run a cookie factory where we all come out looking alike. His is a snowflake factory, noted for variety.

Be your best self under God’s direction. Utilize your abilities; do not worry about those things that are beyond your control. You are a worthy person because you are made in the image of God. Your worth is not determined by what you have done or have not done. You can accomplish worthy goals. Do not let your emotions push you around. Admit your feelings of inadequacy to God, but thank Him that you “can do everything through Christ, who gives [you] strength” (Phil. 4:13).

Be your best self under God’s direction.

How can a marriage partner help a mate with low self-esteem? By encouraging him or her to accept the past and to concentrate on the future—and by the assurance of love and concern. That is what marriage is all about. One does not have to bear his burden alone (Gal. 6:2). James Dobson offers a touching picture of such spousal encouragement:

Life has been tough and you’ve had your share of suffering. To this point, you’ve faced your problems without much human support and there have been times when your despair has been overwhelming. Let me now share that burden. From this moment forward, I am interested in you as a person: you deserve and shall have my respect. As best as possible, I want you to quit worrying about your troubles. Instead, confide them to me. Our concentration will be on the present and the future, and together we will seek appropriate solutions.[3]

When a mate makes such a statement to a partner, he/she is conveying acceptance, love, understanding, encouragement, and direction. It calls for a positive attitude rather than despair. This is always the attitude for growth.

In Closing

Healthy, meaningful communication is not a luxury; it is a necessity. There can be no unity without such communication. The barriers to communication are formidable but not unconquerable. The key is your own will to communicate. Motivated with the vision of oneness in marriage, you must choose to communicate, deeply and lovingly. It will not always be easy, but the result will be a richer, deeper relationship.

[1] James Dobson, The New Hide or Seek: Building Confidence in Your Child (Grand Rapids: Revell, 1999), 195.

[2] Ibid.,17-53.

[3] Ibid., 196.