Beware the Compare

We live in a constantly improving society. We naturally want what we don’t have. Millions of people opted for the iPhone 5, even though they had a perfectly working iPhone 4S. Perfectly good televisions are put on the curb because they’ve been replaced with the latest and greatest. We’re always comparing what we have to what we do not have.

If we’re not careful, we can do this with our children, too. Think for a moment. Have you ever compared your child to:

Your child’s friends? Without realizing it we can compare our kids to their peers. Doing so can make ourselves feel better (our child excels when compared to their friends) or make ourselves feel like we’re not measuring up (our child fails when compared to their friends).

Your child’s siblings? We don’t intend to do this, but often we struggle with how different our kids are. We label one as “difficult” and another as “easy.”

The imaginary perfect child? Too often there is an “ideal” child we create in our minds. Our child never measures up to this perfect child.

Yourself? We can easily impose our strengths, our likes, our learning styles onto our unsuspecting children, who are emotionally and academically wired differently from how we are.

It’s easy to compare, but, oh, so damaging to our uniquely created children! Psalm 139:13–14 says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” God knit your child together perfectly! He knew exactly what He was doing. That strong will your child exercises may someday make him an incredibly effective leader. Her ability to argue may be the very strength she needs to be a good lawyer. His sensitivity may make him a perceptive father. The traits you loathe or long to change need to be managed but not wished away.

When we compare our kids to others, to ourselves, or to the “perfect child” in our minds, we are not embracing their distinctive qualities and allowing them to develop into the unique people God created them to be.

This can also happen with our dreams for our children. Our hopes for our children often come from comparisons. We want to offer them the same opportunities we had, or we want to offer them better op-opportunities than we had. We long for them to be as successful as their siblings, or their classmates, or as other parents’ kids at church.

However, these hopes and dreams don’t always match up with who your children really are, how they’re wired, or where their interests lie. You may desire for your child to excel at sports, but he may be more interested in piano than punting. You might like your daughter to enjoy ballet as you did, but she may be more interested in photography than pointe shoes. You may want your child to have lessons that you never had, but he may be more interested in math than music.

When we compare our kids to others, to ourselves, or to the “perfect child” in our minds, we are not embracing their distinctive qualities and allowing them to develop into the unique people God created them to be.

Then there’s college. College is not a one-size-fits-all dream for parents. Some young adults find that working a job for a couple of years before college is a good strategy. Others may choose to enter an internship program or learn a trade. Still others may choose to marry and start a family without finishing college. Our dreams may simply not be realities for them.

There is always the possibility our children will make choices that seem to dampen our dreams and permanently change their future into something that looks more like a nightmare—at least initially. My friend Lisa experienced that recently when her nineteen-year-old son became a father. His plans for college changed now that he needs to work full-time to support a family. Another friend of mine found her college-aged daughter moving back home after mismanaging her finances. Those certainly aren’t the dreams these moms had for their kids.

Reality may be determined by the interests and talents of each child. It may be determined by our differing goals. It may be that their choices determine a new reality we never thought we’d face. What do we do when our dreams clash with reality? We adjust our expectations and love our children unconditionally. Let’s explore what that kind of love looks like.