Committed to Love as a Mother

The truth of the matter is, while I know how wonderful it is to love my children, I also know how terrible it is to lack love for them. Sometimes sin–and not love–permeates the words I speak and the way I treat my children. Sometimes I feel cranky, detached, and turned off.

My lack of love breaks my heart because it can hurt my children more deeply than almost anything in the world. What do you do when you don’t feel love for your own child? How do you choose love anyway?

We find the answer to this common motherhood struggle in the words of Malachi. Four hundred years before Jesus was born, Malachi prophesied, “He will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction” (Mal. 4:6). Although this prophecy is specifically about the father-child relationship, I see implications for mothers as well, especially when we are tempted to turn away from our kids.

Perhaps you have found yourself rejecting your own child and it breaks your heart. Or perhaps your own mother turned away from you. Perhaps she had poor parenting skills or was even neglectful or abusive. In whatever way you have been hurt, I hope you find comfort in the fact that God grieves over our broken relationships, including our broken relationship with Him. God sent His own Son—whom He loves perfectly—to restore our relationships, first with Him and then with other people. Isaiah 53:5 reminds us that “with his wounds we are healed.”

When we put our faith in Jesus, we are healed from the wounds of our own parents’ imperfect love. We don’t have to fear that we won’t mother well or that we will inevitably pass on sinful patterns to our own children. In Christ, we are healed from these wounds and we can share this message of hope with our children. I’ll never get over the way God sees Jesus’ righteousness on our behalf—when we put our faith in Christ, God sees us as perfectly loving moms—and then He gets to work remaking us into His likeness day after day. I’ve seen God work wonders through four simple steps of faith.

1. Confess your struggle to a praying friend.

A few years ago, I shared with a friend, “I’m really struggling to love one of my kids. Do you ever struggle with this? What should I do?” My friend—a wonderful mother of three happy kids—instantly said, “Of course I struggle with that. I can remember times when I didn’t love each one of my children.” Her honesty and familiarity with the problem put me at ease. She prayed for me, asking God to warm my heart and to give me His love for my child.

2. Ask yourself, “Why don’t I love my child?”

My friend encouraged me to prayerfully consider why I was struggling to love my child. My lack of love could be due to a wide range of factors like personality differences, environmental stressors, sin issues, or even sheer exhaustion. It took some time, but once I understood why I was struggling, I was able to seek God’s help to move forward.

3. Consider the right response.

The well-known Serenity Prayer has been helpful to many moms—including me. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Sometimes, our struggle will sub-side if we simply make a change. For example, we may discover that our lack of love is in response to our child’s sinful behavior or character flaw. Our negative feelings, then, are a helpful warning sign about something that could jeopardize our child’s future. We can ask God to help us courageously shepherd our child’s heart and to bless our child with good, lasting growth. In time, we may be able to say something like, “I thought my son would always be angry, but God has transformed him into a self-controlled and gracious young man. I love the person he has become.”

Other times, the reason we struggle to love our children may be unchangeable. Maybe we don’t like our child’s personality, weakness, or hardships. Maybe we are jealous of their strengths. Or maybe we simply don’t love them because they require so much time and attention. We can be honest with God. He can handle our most despicable thoughts and give us grace to accept the things we cannot change. Never forget that He can literally replace aversion with affection. It may take time, but God really does renew us with His Word. He really does make us more like Jesus. In time, we may be able to say something like, “I used to be turned off by my daughter’s quirks, but now I can see that she’s an amazing person made in the image of God. As it turns out, I love her just the way she is.”

4. Consider whether it’s a big deal—or not

I’ve often mis-interpreted my feelings: what I thought was a lack of love for my child was actually a lack of “like” for something my child was doing or something we were going through together. That’s a big difference. You may realize the same thing about your own struggle. Maybe what you thought was a big deal isn’t, and you can move forward with a fresh dose of perspective.

Other times, a lack of love for a child is a big deal, and we may need help addressing the underlying issues. It may have nothing to do with our child, but instead may point to something in our own hearts. Motherhood has a way of bringing things up from the past, spotlighting our weaknesses, and exposing sinfulness. God works through motherhood to draw our attention to the places in our hearts where we are still captive to sin or crippled by wounds. He wants to enter into those places and set us free. Let’s pay attention and invite Him in.

Or maybe we struggle to love a child because they don’t love us. Maybe they treat us poorly. It’s hard to love someone who ridicules, rejects, and resents you. This struggle is not too difficult for God to redeem. He will show us what to do next. Let’s cling to Him as our source of acceptance, approval, and affection. And let’s consider inviting someone wise to come alongside as we take another step toward our beloved child.