Confrontation Can Be Loving

Praise tends to beget praise; requests tend to be honored. When his needs are met, he finds it easier to respond to her needs. Love begets love, and when defensiveness is understood and defused, life flows smoothly. When sexual needs are met, he is free to focus on other family issues. But I would be unfair if I gave wives the impression that if they will follow these six guidelines, their husbands will always continue to grow as loving husbands and fathers. There are times when husbands must be confronted about irresponsible behavior.

Confrontation is not a negative word. In fact, it is an act of love if it is done with the right attitude. Elaine’s husband has not held a steady job in ten years, and when he is out of work he spends his time watching TV and working out at the local gym. Elaine has carried the financial load for their entire marriage. If her husband’s pattern of irresponsibility persists in spite of her efforts, then confrontation would be a loving act.

If Elaine had said to him early in the marriage, “I love you very much. It is my desire to have an intimate relationship with you. I have noticed that in every job you’ve had, you’ve found fault with the job or with the people with whom you work. This time, rather than quitting the job, I want to request that you talk with someone about the situation and try to find a different way to handle the problem.” She may even suggest a specific counselor or pastor.

If he refuses this request and repeats the pattern of walking off the job, then it is time for her to express tough love and inform him that she will not continue to pay the bills while he watches TV and works out at the gym. And she must take appropriate steps to show him that she is serious. The only way to break an irresponsible pattern is to hold him accountable for his actions. As long as he is able to have his cake and eat it too, it is not likely that his work patterns will change. Tough love runs the risk of losing him, but it also holds the potential of stimulating growth and giving her a more responsible husband.

Tracy was the wife whose husband worked regularly and provided for the financial needs of the family but was an excessive controller. He considered her ideas useless, and he would not tolerate her questions about his behavior and would become belligerent when she questioned any of his actions. Tracy was living in bondage to a domineering husband.

If the loving efforts she made did not stimulate positive change in her husband, then there is a place for her to say to him with kindness and firmness, “I love you too much to let you destroy yourself and me. In many ways, you are a wonderful husband. But in the matter of control, you are destroying both of us. Until you are willing to discuss the problem with me and with a counselor, I will not be able to live with you until we get help. I am fully willing to work on our marriage and I believe we have a marriage worth saving, but I cannot do it alone. I must have your cooperation.” Again, such confrontation runs the risk of creating the crisis of separation, but sometimes a crisis is necessary in order to stimulate positive growth. Tracy is not abandoning her husband in such action; she is, in fact, loving him enough to take a risk.

Becky was the wife whose husband was passive in all areas except his vocation and his computer. For six years their bedroom had needed painting. When the children’s bicycles needed repair, it would be months before he responded. She might say to him, “I love you very much. I appreciate deeply the fact that you work regularly and contribute financially to our family. But I want you to know that I cannot continue to live with your passive spirit. I do not expect you to be Superman, but I do need you to do at least one project around the house every week. We are paying to have the yard mowed, and that is fine. But there are other things that need your attention. I’m asking for your help. I do not wish to overwhelm you, but I do wish to see a change. If I cannot rely on you to take initiative to accomplish one project per week in our household, I will have to find someone I can rely on that I can hire to do these tasks. If that doesn’t seem reasonable to you, then I am willing to discuss it with you and a counselor. I want more than anything to be a good wife to you, and I am open to your suggestions, but it must be a two-way street.”

If such confrontation seems to be harsh and threatening, let me remind you that this is the last resort. When you have tried the power of praise, when you have made specific requests, when you have loved him unconditionally and sought to meet his needs, when you have sought to understand his defensiveness and find ways to build up his self-esteem, when you have sought to respond to him sexually, and he still is involved in irresponsible behavior, it is time for strong, firm, loving confrontation. Such action is, in fact, the most loving thing a wife can do. To enable your husband to be irresponsible for thirty years is not a service to him, nor to your children. A wife’s confrontation has created a crisis to which he must respond. Many husbands have looked back upon such a crisis and been thankful that their wives had the courage to love them enough to force them to take constructive action. Confrontation can indeed be a strong act of love.

Even in confrontation, a wife cannot make her husband change. Change is a choice only the individual can make. But because marriage is such an intimate relationship, the wife’s behavior can greatly influence the husband. In your efforts to be a positive influence on your husband, remember that the goal is not perfection; the goal is growth. Be encouraged when your husband takes positive steps, and remember, growth takes time. He may not be all that you wish, but if he is growing, the potential is unlimited.