Discover Your Children’s Love Languages

How do you discover the primary love language of your children? Let me suggest three ways. First, observe how they express love to you. If your son regularly tells you what a good parent you are and what a good job you do preparing meals, and so forth, his love language is likely words of affirmation. If your daughter is always bringing you gifts she has made and wrapped in gift paper or gifts she has found in the yard, then her love language is likely receiving gifts. If a child is always wanting to hug and touch you, suspect that the number one love language is physical touch. If he continually wants to help you with your work around the house, then likely his love language is acts of service. If she constantly wants to play with you, read books with you, and do things with you, her love language is most likely quality time. Your children are giving to you what they like to receive themselves.

My son’s love language is physical touch. I learned it when he was about four. When I came home in the afternoon he would run up to me, jump on my lap, and mess up my hair. He was touching me because he wanted to be touched. When he came home for a weekend as a young adult, he would lie on the floor watching television. When I walked through the room and he needed love, he would trip me. Physical touch still speaks loudly to him.

On the other hand, our daughter’s love language is quality time. This motivated me to spend many evenings walking with my daughter when she was in high school, discussing books, boys, and other topics. She is now a physician, but when she comes home for a visit, she will say, “Want to take a walk, Dad?” Quality time still communicates love to her.

My son would never walk with me. He said, “Walking’s dumb! You’re not going anywhere. If you’re going somewhere, drive.” What makes one child feel loved will not necessarily make another feel loved. The key is to learn the primary love language of each child and speak that language consistently. Once you are speaking their primary and secondary love languages, you can sprinkle the other three in along the way. They will give added bonus points, but you dare not neglect the primary and secondary love languages of your children.[1]

After noticing what your children do for you, observe what your children request of you most often. Those requests will be a reflection of their primary love language. If your child says to you as you leave on a trip, “Be sure to bring me something,” he is giving you a clear clue to his primary love language. If he regularly asks, “How did I do, Mommy?” he is telling you that words of affirmation is his primary language. If your son is continually requesting that you walk with him or play with him or do things with him, he is revealing that his primary language is quality time. Listen to your children’s requests carefully until you see a pattern emerging. Once you see one of the five love languages standing out in their list of requests, assume that is their language and begin to focus on that as either the primary or secondary love language.

A third clue is to listen for what your children complain about most often. If they are critical of you because you don’t play with them or you don’t bring them gifts or you didn’t mention the A they made on their report card, they are giving you a clue as to their primary love language. Children are most critical in the area of life that is related to their primary love language.

Until you are certain of your child’s primary and secondary love languages, focus on a different one each month and see how your child responds during the month. When you are speaking the child’s primary language, the child will tend to be more receptive to your teaching and training. He will tend to have a more positive spirit about life in general and will tend to promote family harmony. When his love tank is empty, the child will be at his or her worst.

[1] For a fuller explanation of the love language concept and how it relates to marriage as well as to children, see Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2015) and Chapman and Campbell, The 5 Love Languages of Children.