Good Rules, Bad Rules in the Family

To do or not to do, that is the nature of rules. Rules give guidelines for family living. These are things we do not do in our family: chew gum at the table, bounce a basketball in the kitchen, leave the house with candles burning, jump on the sofa, or mistreat the dog. These are things we do in our family: put tools away when we have finished using them, put toys away when we have finished playing with them, turn lights off when we leave the room, say “may I be excused” when we leave the dinner table, bring our dirty clothes to the laundry room, call and let Mom or Dad know where we are.

Sometimes rules are confusing, such as “Always turn the lights out when you leave the house except when Grandma is still awake or the dog is sick or when you know your brother is playing in the backyard.” With such a rule, the only safe thing is don’t ever leave the house. Sometimes rules are unstated, as they were for the fifteen-year-old who said, “One rule at my house is ‘Don’t ever talk to Dad when he’s drunk.’”

“Did your mother tell you this rule?” I asked.

“No, I learned it from experience,” he said.

All families have rules, but not all families have healthy rules. Good rules have four characteristics: they are intentional, they are mutual, they are reasonable, and they are discussed with the entire family.

Intentional rules are those to which we have given conscious thought. They do not simply emerge from our own frustration at the moment, but they have come with considerable thought as to why the rule is needed, what the purpose of the rule is, and whether it is really for the benefit of everyone. Intentional rules mean that we don’t have a rule simply because it was a rule in our own families. For example, many families have the rule, “We don’t sing at the table.” Upon inquiry as to why a family has this rule, often the answer is “That’s the way it was at my house.” Now, I ask, “What is so bad about singing at the table?” I’m not suggesting that it is a bad rule or a good rule; I’m simply asking, “Why do you have the rule? What are you trying to accomplish by this rule?” Making rules intentionally means that we think about each of our rules and thus do not become captive to some meaningless tradition.

All families have rules, but not all families have healthy rules.

Second, good rules involve mutual input of the father and the mother. Each of us grew up in different families; consequently, we had different rules. I tend to bring my rules to my family, and my wife tends to bring her rules. If these rules do not agree, we often have conflicts over the rules. These conflicts should be handled like all other marital conflicts. We should hear each other out, treat each other’s ideas with dignity and respect, tell our honest thoughts and feelings, and, if we cannot agree, ask ourselves, “Then what can we agree on?” and look for an alternative in the middle of our two ideas. For example, if I believe that a sixteen-year-old should be in at 11:00 and my wife believes that he should be in at 10:00, then perhaps we can agree on 10:30. If you believe children’s intentional burping is utterly uncivilized and your husband thinks it’s cute, perhaps you can disallow it in the house and the car but permit it in the backyard.

Evaluating Rules

In a healthy marriage, parents respect each other’s ideas and neither is dictatorial in rule making. The ideas and feelings of both should be considered in setting rules for the family. As the children get older, they should be brought into the decision-making process. If the rule applies to them and they are old enough to have an opinion on the subject, then they should be allowed to be a part of setting the rule. That doesn’t mean that they have the final word, but it does mean that parents should consider their thoughts and feelings. When families do this, parents are not only teaching kids the importance of obedience; they are also teaching them the process of setting rules.

Healthy rules are also reasonable. They serve some positive function. The overarching questions are, “Is this rule good for the child? Will it have some positive effect on the child’s life?” The following are some practical questions to ask as you decide about a particular rule.

• Does this rule keep the child from danger or destruction? Does this rule teach the child some positive character trait: honesty, hard work, kindness, sharing, etc.?
• Does this rule protect property?
• Does this rule teach stewardship of possessions?
• Does this rule teach the child responsibility?
• Does this rule teach good manners?

In answering questions like these, we are far more likely to come up with healthy rules for the family. These are the factors about which we are concerned as parents. We want to keep our children from danger and destruction. We do not want our young child to be hit by a car in the street, and we do not want our older children to get involved in drugs. We want to teach our children positive character traits in keeping with our values. We want children to respect the property of others; thus, a rule about not playing baseball in the backyard may well keep them from breaking a neighbor’s window.

Reasonable rules always have a positive purpose.

We want them to learn to take care of their own possessions; thus, the rule about putting the bicycle in the storage shed at night is a purposeful rule.

We want our children to be responsible adults, and we know that they must learn this in childhood. Therefore, requiring a child to be responsible for making his bed or vacuuming his floor are reasonable rules. And what of good manners? It is interesting that contemporary corporate executives are hiring etiquette trainers and consultants because the social graces of contemporary employees are so greatly characterized by rudeness and crudeness. I believe this can be traced to the lack of teaching manners in the home. If a parent believes that “please” and “thank you” are better than “gimme” and “yuck,” then he will have rules regarding such manners in the home.

Let’s Be Reasonable

Reasonable rules always have a positive purpose. Healthy rules are also clearly stated. Parents often assume that children know what they are to do or not to do when expectations have never been explained to the child. Once parents have agreed on a rule, the entire family needs to be made aware of it. Unspoken rules are unfair rules. A child cannot be expected to live up to a standard of which he is unaware. Parents have the responsibility for making sure that children understand what the rules are. As children grow older, they need to know why their parents have decided on this rule. If children feel genuinely loved by the parents, they will usually acknowledge the value of such rules. In making family rules, it is perfectly legitimate to consult other parents, schoolteachers, and extended families and to read books and articles. To have the best possible rules, parents need all the wisdom they can get.

Good family rules are not set in concrete. If you come to see that a particular rule is detrimental rather than helpful, then you should be willing to change that rule. In our family, we started out with the rule of no singing at the table. We quickly realized that this rule was a product of our families of origin and did not fit our view of what a mealtime should be. With my wife being a musician and me having a deep appreciation for music, we quickly concluded that that rule needed to be abandoned and that anyone who wanted to break forth in song at our table was welcome to do so (as long as there was no food in the person’s mouth).

Evaluating Your Rules

To evaluate your family rules, begin by writing the name and age of each child at the top of a separate sheet of paper. Underneath each child’s name, list the rules that you think the family has already made that apply to that child. You may want to make two categories of rules: first, rules that apply to all the children and, second, specific rules that apply to each child because of his or her developmental stage or special interests. You may want to make your lists separately and then merge your two lists. Remember, you are not yet evaluating the rules; you are simply trying to make a list of what you think the rules are. If the children are old enough, you might bring them into this process and let them help you make a list of “the rules in our house.”

Look at each rule and ask: “Is this rule intentional? Is this a rule we have thought about, or is it simply a rule pulled from one of our childhoods or from some book we have read? Have we really taken time to discuss this rule? Is this a rule that we both agree has purpose? What are our children likely to learn from following this rule?”

Is it mutual? Have we both had input on this rule, or is it something one of us arbitrarily laid down years ago? If our children are old enough, have we brought them in to discuss the rule? Do they believe that it is a fair rule?

Is the rule reasonable? Does it serve a positive function? Remember the overarching question is: “Is this rule good for the child?”

The fourth area to examine in setting rules is: Have these rules been clearly understood by both the parents and the children? A rule that the parents have hidden in their minds but that has never been discussed openly with the children is not a rule the children can be expected to keep. When the parent disciplines a child for breaking such an unspoken rule, the child will feel that he or she has been unfairly treated.