Healthy Families Don’t Bury Emotions

Most couples will continue to talk on the level of nuts-and-bolts logistics long after emotional intimacy is gone. What time shall I pick up the children? When does the meeting begin? Are we going to eat out or at home tonight? What time is the furnace guy coming? Did you pay the Visa bill? I’m going to walk the dog. This level of discussing factual information can and often does continue a long time after emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and sexual intimacy have ended. But intimacy is not fostered by such superficial talk. Intimacy has its roots in sharing our passions, emotions, thoughts, experiences, desires, and frustrations. What hinders the free flow of communication on this deeper emotional level? Let me suggest some common hindrances.

One reason we do not discuss our feelings is that we are not in touch with them. For whatever reason, some of us have been trained to deny our emotions. Perhaps earlier in life someone led us to believe that our emotions were not acceptable. We never saw our father show sadness or weakness, only stoic silence. Our mother said, “Always look on the bright side.” A grandmother said, “Big boys don’t cry.” Fear, negativism, sharing of what we really thought or wondered about—these things were discouraged growing up.

One reason we do not discuss our feelings is that we are not in touch with them.

For others, the deep emotional pain experienced in childhood has colored their adult reality. The pain of parents’ separation, the memory of physical or sexual abuse, the grief over the untimely death of a parent—these and other experiences of emotional pain were never processed as a child. The feelings lie deeply buried within the person. Years ago, the person stopped feeling because the pain was so intense. He separated his intellectual life from his emotional life and is no longer in touch with how he feels. When you ask this person, “How do you feel about your sister’s cancer?” his response will be, “I don’t have any feelings. I just hope she gets well.” He is not evading the question. He simply is not in touch with the emotional side of his humanity. For this person to find health and healing, he will likely require the help of a trained counselor. It does not help for the spouse to condemn him for not discussing his emotions.

The second reason we are reluctant to discuss our emotions is that we fear our spouse’s response. We may fear that he or she will condemn our feelings, tell us we shouldn’t feel that way, become angry with us, or reject us. The reason for our fear may be rooted in experiences we have had with our spouse, or it may be rooted in our experience in childhood. Such fear serves as a substantial roadblock to emotional intimacy. To overcome such fears, we must first acknowledge them and ask for an opportunity to admit them. Only as we face these fears openly are we able to work through them and go beyond them.

Another reason some individuals do not talk more about emotions is that they have never done it in the past. “We have a good marriage, but we have never talked much about our feelings. Why should we start now?” Normally, the person who makes such a statement has come from a family where emotions were not admitted openly. The message was clear that around here, you don’t talk about your feelings, especially if you think others will find them objectionable. So the person managed to live without opening his emotions. Thus, his or her entire marriage has been structured with little openness in the emotional area. The thought of doing something different is a bit frightening. But the discussing of emotions is a necessary way to build deeper intimacy in a relationship. And yes, emotional intimacy does affect sexual intimacy. We can never successfully separate the two.

Only as we face these fears openly are we able to work through them and go beyond them.

There is one additional reason some do not discuss their emotions with their spouses: “I don’t want to burden my spouse with my emotional struggles.” Such a statement sounds caring on the surface, and the person may indeed be looking out for the interests of his or her spouse. There are times in which our spouses may be under so much stress that it may not be wise for us to discuss our emotions, especially if our emotions are negative. We may need to be listening to them as they talk about their emotions so that we can give them emotional support instead of further burdening them with our own problems. But in a healthy relationship, the discussion of emotions needs to be a two-way street. If we do not tell our negative feelings of hurt and disappointment, how can the other ever give us emotional support? We are denying our spouse the opportunity to be intimate with us and to enter into our struggles.

This sharing of the inner self is the fabric from which we weave marital intimacy. It is what we thought we had when we married. It is what we wanted to have for a lifetime. Without it, the whole relationship seems to wane. It is extremely important to a loving family. It satisfies the inner longings of the couple, and, if children are in the family, it serves as the best positive model of what family is all about.

Because the desire for marital intimacy is so deeply rooted in our psyche, it greatly affects all other aspects of family life. First, it affects the way the husband and wife treat each other. Then it influences the way they both relate to the children. When intimacy exists between a husband and wife, the results will be a healthy environment that is conducive to raising children. Where it does not exist, children will grow up in a battle zone and may wear the scars for a lifetime.

Time and effort spent in developing intimacy in your marriage is time wisely invested for the emotional and physical health of your children. In fact, few things will yield greater results for your children. Intimacy between the husband and the wife builds security in the life of the child. There is something deep within the child that says, “This is the way it is supposed to be.”