Perfect Marriages Don’t Exist

Marriage is hard work. There’s no getting around it. At first, most of us found the statement “Love is blind” to be true. Those differences were fascinating—at least in the beginning. Our horizons were expanded by this new family connection, and we found the new experiences to be charming. In time, however, the challenges were, well . . . challenging!

Real marriage isn’t what you see in the sitcoms, it’s not what you watch at the movies, and it’s definitely not the stuff romance novels are made of. Certainly, there are elements in those that we can relate to. Unfortunately, however, the media more often establishes unrealistic expectations—even fantasies—of what a loving, married relationship should look like.

It’s in the living together of everyday life that our ugly stuff comes out.

If we’re honest, real marriage brings our “yuck” to the surface. Selfishness and pride raise their ugly heads in the everyday life of a normal marriage. After all, we like things the way we like them. Our way is the right way. Our rationale is always more logical than our spouse’s rationale. Right?

In his book Sacred Marriage, author Gary Thomas poses this question: What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?1 Now that is a question that will mess with your mind. Think about it a bit, though. You put two very different people in the same family, same house, and even the same bed, and then you ask them suddenly to begin to sleep together, make decisions together, raise children together, and navigate the twists and turns of life together. That’s a recipe for conflict right there.

It’s in the living together of everyday life that our ugly stuff comes out. If we’re willing to look, we are suddenly able to see how selfish we really are. Our human nature wants always to have things our way. That’s the core of selfishness. When we care only about ourselves or our own needs, we shut our spouse’s needs out. How does this selfishness play out in everyday life? It may be in ways you’ve never even considered. For instance, if you are sitting at the computer typing an email when your husband walks in the door from being gone all day, do you stop what you are doing, leave your chair, and greet him with a kiss? If not, then selfishness just reigned. You cared more about the task you were trying to accomplish than the person walking in the door. Ouch, that hurts, doesn’t it?

We are by nature selfish people. However, God showed us another way. He modeled for us the servant life when He sent His Son, Jesus, to earth. Jesus served. He washed feet. He spent time with people when there was something else on His “to do” list. He ultimately gave His life for ours. That is the most unselfish act someone can do. God gives us direction for living sacrificially in Philippians 2:3–5: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

I would venture to say that most moms have less of a problem living this out with their children than they do with their husbands. We expect something different from him than we do from our children. After all our children are, well, children. But a husband, well, he’s an adult. He is responsible for more. More is expected from him. Could it be that this is the message we’re harboring deep inside our hearts at times: “My husband is an adult. He’s supposed to be serving me just like I’m supposed to be serving him. If he isn’t holding up his end of the bargain, why should I uphold my end of the bargain?” Ahh—selfishness rises up again. We all struggle with it in some form or another. But there’s something else that makes marriage hard work. It’s the “yuck” of pride.

Pride is at the core of so much marital strife.

Pride is at the core of so much marital strife. Pride believes our way is the right way—the only way. Pride says that you are more wrong than I am. Pride says I’m not wrong at all. Pride says that an apology would be a sign of weakness. Pride keeps conflict from being resolved and love from being shown.

Perfect marriages don’t exist because they are made up of two imperfect people. Unfortunately, pride keeps us from admitting just how imperfect we are. God tells us, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18). Apply that to marriage, and we’re reminded that pride will destroy a marriage. That’s some powerful truth. Why then do we struggle with pride? Control. We falsely believe we are protecting ourselves by keeping “control” of a situation rather than serving or submitting to our spouse. We falsely believe we need to keep the upper hand in our relationship so no one—not even our spouse—can take advantage of us. We falsely believe that our ways are the only right ways and we have to stay in control of things so they are done correctly.

Do you have trouble admitting any of those things? It’s probably pride getting in the way once again. We don’t want to admit we’re wrong, sinful, or have impure motives in any way. Let’s be honest: If you’re human, you struggle with pride. There are no perfect marriages, because there are no perfect people making up the union of two lives.