The Five Love Languages in Your Marriage

What I discovered in counseling hundreds of couples is that there are five fundamental ways of expressing love. I call them the five love languages. Each person has a primary “love language.” If you don’t speak their love language, your mate will not feel loved, even if you are loving them in other ways. Typically, a husband and wife will have a different primary love language. Thus, to successfully meet the emotional need for love, we must discover and choose to speak each other’s primary love language.

Let me briefly share the five love languages. For a more in-depth description of the love languages, see my bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.

Words of Affirmation

We have discussed the power of affirming words already, but for some people, this is their primary love language. They thrive on comments like: “You look nice in that outfit.” “I really appreciate what you did for me.” “One of the things I appreciate about you is . . .” The words can focus on your mate’s personality, intellect, beauty, attitude, or any number of things. The important thing is that we are expressing that we value them as a person. These words are especially powerful when spoken with kindness. Kindness has to do with the manner in which we speak. The tone of voice and the volume of our speech needs to express kindness. For the person whose primary love language is words of affirmation, to hear critical, harsh words is like a dagger in the heart. To hear kind, appreciative words is like rain falling on desert sand.

Acts of Service

The Scriptures challenge us to love not only with words but by “our actions” (1 John 3:19). Acts of service include such things as cooking meals, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, walking the dog, washing the car, mowing the grass, and changing the baby’s diaper. Remember the old saying: “Actions speak louder than words.” This is true for the person whose primary love language is acts of service.

We must discover and choose to speak each other’s primary love language.

In the early days of our marriage, I gave my wife words of affirmation because that was my love language. I assumed that what made me feel loved would do the same for her. I was wrong. Eventually she said to me, “You keep saying, ‘I love you.’ If you really love me, why don’t you help me with all the work that needs to be done?” I knew nothing about love languages in those days, but I got the message that my words of affirmation were not connecting with her.

Quality Time

This involves giving your spouse your undivided attention. It may be sitting on the couch with the television off and the device down. We are not answering our phones but giving our full attention to each other. Or it can be taking a walk together and talking as we walk. It can also include going to a restaurant, assuming that we talk with each other rather than gluing our eyes to our smartphones. Quality time does not always mean that we are talking. We may be planting a flower garden together. The important thing emotionally is not the flower garden but that we are doing something—together.

Receiving Gifts

It is universal to give gifts as an expression of love. The gift says, “He/she was thinking of me. Look what they got for me.” The gift does not need to be expensive. Haven’t we always said, “It’s the thought that counts”? But let me remind you, it is not the thought left in your head that counts, but the gift that came out of the thought in your head. I say to husbands, if money is tight, follow the example of your children. They pick dandelions and give them to their mothers. So look for a flower in your yard that you can give to your wife. If you don’t have flowers in your yard, check your neighbor’s yard. Ask permission; don’t steal them. If you are not good at selecting gifts, let your spouse make a list of things they would like.

Physical Touch

In a marriage, this involves such things as holding hands, kissing, hugging, back rubs, snuggling, and sexual intimacy. Affirming touches speak deeply to this person. Many husbands will automatically conclude that their primary love language is physical touch. They are thinking of sexual intercourse. So I ask the question: “Do non-sexual touches make you feel loved?” They look at me as if to ask: “Are there non-sexual touches?” “What if you are walking into a shopping mall, and your wife reaches out and holds your hand. Does that make you feel loved?” I ask. If he says, “No, that actually annoys me,” I continue, “If she is pouring you a cup of coffee and puts her hand on your shoulder, does that make you feel loved?” If he says, “No, not really,” then I say, “Physical touch is not your love language.”

Discover Your Love Language

None of the love languages are gender-specific. A man or a woman can have any one of the five as a primary love language. How do you discover your love language? Three simple questions will help: (1) How do I typically respond to other people? If I give words of affirmation freely, that is likely my language. We tend to speak our own love language. (2) What do I complain about most often? The complaint reveals the love language. “I just feel like we don’t ever have time together anymore,” reveals the language of quality time. (3) What do I request most often? “Will you give me a back rub?” is a request for physical touch. Answer these three questions, and you will likely discover your primary love language. You may also want to take the free quiz at 5lovelanguages.com. Once you discover each other’s love languages, the challenge is to speak it often. Then you can sprinkle in the other four for extra credit.