The Power of Sexual Desire

Long before your son feels sexual desires, our culture will throw images, ads, billboards, and storylines his way as though he already does. The glitzy and glossy presentation of the “food” of sex will be shoved in his face years before he has an appetite for it. Even with the best parental protections, there will be plenty that he encounters that, at some point, will need explanation from you. Count on it, and plan to put these presentations of sexual material in context for him. Have the discussion when he becomes inquisitive about the matter, or when the encounter is so in-your-face that you both can’t avoid saying something about what you just saw or heard. I am not talking about the dreaded “sex talk,” which most parents don’t want to deal with (more on that shortly). I am talking about the simple clarification that puts the sexually charged image or statement that crinkled his eyebrow into the context of male/female attraction and marriage. It was my practice, in those awkward moments, to succinctly declare to my prepubescent boys that these “weird things” were designed by God for Christians to enjoy when they are married. I would also be careful to tell my sons that sadly far too many people in this world think these kinds of things can be done whenever and with whomever they want. And lastly, I would always make clear that this “whenever/whomever approach” angers God, frustrates people, and always causes damage to people’s relationships.

Be compassionate toward your son by positively recognizing God’s endorsed and blessed context for marital love and sexual fulfillment.

A brief commentary from Mom or Dad that affirms the good of sex in its proper context, along with a warning of the harm of sex out of context, is always better than trying to ignore the un-ignorable. Early on in his life your son may ignore it, and surprisingly it may not even raise an eyebrow, but realize that at some point even the little kid with no appetite or experience of  “having a meal,” will start to wonder about all the hype in “the food court at the mall.”

Maybe that’s a good analogy to utilize as we fast-forward the development of your son, and arrive at the place in time where God has not only flipped on the hormone switch so that he has an appetite, but you start to realize that he seems to be starving to death. Perhaps you’ve noticed him double, triple, and then quadruple-take on the teenage girl in the parking lot. Maybe you’ve observed his eyes pop out of his head as he locks on to the scantily clad starlet on the cover of the gossip rag at the grocery store check-out stand. It should be at that moment you realize you are raising your very “hungry” son in the food court of life. And not only are there the sights, sounds, and smells of every conceivable kind of delicious food, but there are also well-lit glossy photos of the best-selling plates everywhere!

I think dads reading this chapter understand all of that. Moms, it’s to you that I need to emphasize the important battle that ensues in your son when he hits puberty. Your husband likely hasn’t been all that transparent about the mental torture he endured when he was a junior higher. Even if he successfully avoided sexual activity through his teen years, you can be sure that he is able to better empathize with the painful internal battle that pubescent boys of any generation have to endure. You must not be shocked by the presence of these powerful pangs of interest that are part-and-parcel of boys with surging hormones, any more than your husband should be shocked if you missed lunch and decided to walk through a mall food court at six o’clock to grab a bite.

The presence of the interest in girls and your son’s budding sexual desires are not the problem, nor are they abnormal, sinful, or shameful. The challenge for parents is to help our boys learn to exercise self-control—and such self-control is attainable. Not only do we not buy the culture’s pessimistic lie that says: “Get real, they’re all going to do it!”, but we also cannot follow our generation’s insistence that marriage (which is the sanctioned and godly context for sexual gratification) needs to be unrealistically postponed until your boy has hit all the worldly and materialistic benchmarks of adulthood. If we follow the world’s cues by demanding from our boys the culture’s prerequisites to marriage (i.e., degrees, down payments, international travel, etc.), we will risk demoralizing and exasperating them. We will unwittingly make obedience to God’s commands extremely and profoundly difficult! Are you really willing to compound the risk of your son being dis-obedient to God’s command to keep sexual activity inside the covenant of marriage, for the sake of satisfying the conventional expectations of your non-Christian neighbors and worldly relatives? I would hope not.

Be compassionate toward your son by positively recognizing God’s endorsed and blessed context for marital love and sexual fulfillment. Be kind in acknowledging your support of his desire to identify and covenant with the biblically praised “wife of his youth” (Prov. 5:18,  et al.) instead of toeing the line with our culture’s expectation of him as a successful executive, walking the aisle with the “bride of his midlife.” Of course this approach will require more of your parental prayers, counsel, planning, discipleship, and practical involvement. It will also require a recasting of what can be a positive image of a young couple struggling through the early years on a very tight budget. At the same time, you can be sure you are providing a much more hopeful, optimistic, and attainable perspective on this very important aspect of your son’s life.