What to Do When Children Misbehave

Once the rules have been clearly defined and the consequences of misbehavior have been communicated to the child, it is the parents’ responsibility to make sure that the child experiences the consequences of his misbehavior. When a parent is permissive one day and lets misbehavior slide, and the next day he comes down hard on the child for the same misbehavior, the parent is on the sure road of rearing a disobedient, disrespectful child. Inconsistent discipline is the most common pitfall of parents who are trying to raise responsible children. The consequences should be brought to bear as quickly after the disobedience has occurred as possible. Always, the discipline must be administered with love and firmness.

Having the consequences for misbehavior set in advance keeps you from being controlled by your emotional state in the moment.

“But some days I am tired. I just don’t feel like responding to my child’s misbehavior.” Welcome to the human race—all of us get tired. What parent has not been exasperated physically and emotionally from the pressures of life? But none of our resources are more important than our children. On these occasions, we must pull on our reserves and respond lovingly but firmly to our children’s misbehavior.

Having the consequences for misbehavior set in advance keeps you from being controlled by your emotional state in the moment. If you have already agreed on what the consequences will be, your responsibility is simply to see that those consequences are carried out. You don’t have to decide what will be done; you simply decide to follow through with what you have agreed would be done. You are not as likely to yell and scream or physically beat your children because of your own emotional state if you have already decided on the consequences.

Emily comes home in the afternoon. After a hug, a cookie, and a “How did your day go?” session, Mom says to her, “Emmy, you know the rule about your bed being made and your pajamas being put away before you leave for school in the morning. This morning your bed was unmade and your pajamas were on the floor. You know what we agreed on—that when you break the rule, there is no TV that night. Have a good time doing your homework, and then you may play games if you like, but there will be no TV tonight. I love you, and I know that you are going to learn to make your bed and put your pajamas away very soon.”

“But, Mom, tonight is my very favorite show. All of my friends will be talking about it tomorrow, and I won’t have any idea what they are talking about. Mom, please let me watch tonight. And then I won’t watch it tomorrow night. Please, Mom, please.”

Mom says, “I understand how much you want to watch TV tonight, but I also understand that you and I have agreed on the rules and what would be the consequences of your breaking the rules. I’m sorry, but you cannot watch it tonight.” Mom remains kind and firm no matter what Emily’s response, and Emily learns a big lesson that actions have consequences.

If Mom is consistent, loving, and kind but firm, she will have an efficient bed maker on her hands very shortly. If, on the other hand, Mom is inconsistent, gives in, or doesn’t see that Emmy suffers the consequences of her misbehavior, Mom may be making beds and picking up pajamas when her daughter is fifteen. The above illustration reveals the steps in administering discipline: (1) We make sure we express love and care for the child. This was done by hugging, giving a cookie, and having conversation about today’s events. (2) We affirm clearly that a rule has been broken. We remind the child of the consequences we have agreed on. (3) Then we make certain that the child experiences the consequences. We listen to the child’s rebuttal, but kindly and firmly we assure the child that he or she must suffer the consequences of wrongdoing or negligence.

Sometimes, this is very painful for the parent. For example, Mom and Alex have agreed that if Alex does not complete his homework, he will not go to ball practice the next afternoon. One evening Alex fails to do his homework and Dad informs him that he will not be able to go to practice the next afternoon. “But, Dad, the big game is Saturday. If I don’t go to practice tomorrow, I won’t get to play in the game. Dad, I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. Dad, please don’t do this to me.”

“Son, I’m not doing anything to you. You did it to yourself. You knew the rule about homework. You had plenty of time to do your homework. You chose rather to watch TV and play games with Michael. Now, I am sorry, but we agreed on the rule, and we agreed on the consequences.”

“But, Dad, you know how much this means to me. Let me miss practice next week, but not tomorrow. Not tomorrow, Dad.” What’s a father to do? The answer is simple but not easy. Be kind, be loving, but be firm. Missing the big game will not destroy your child’s chance at a college scholarship five years later, but missing the big game will teach your child that there are always painful results when we disobey the rules. It is this reality that motivates children to obedience.

Such discipline must always be done in a spirit of love with the parent in full control of his or her emotions, never accompanied with screaming and yelling, but always accompanied with deep sympathy for the child’s pain. The child should realize that we, too, suffer because he will not be able to play in the big game, but that is the reality of life. When one person disobeys, others inevitably suffer. It is through his or her suffering that the child learns obedience, and through consistency that the parent earns the right to be honored.