How Do I Honor My Parents Once I’m Married?

In Exodus 20:12 one of the Ten Commandments states: “Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” It is repeated in Deuteronomy 5:16 and Ephesians 6:2–3.

A Lasting Command

The command to honor our parents has never been rescinded. As long as they live, it is right to honor them. In Ephesians 6:1, the apostle Paul says, “Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do.” Obedience to parents is the guideline from birth to marriage. Paul’s second statement is, “‘Honor your father and mother.’ This

is the first commandment with a promise: If you honor your father and mother, ‘things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth’” (vv. 2–3). Honor to parents is the guideline from birth to death. Honor was the original command and stands forever.

The word honor means “to show respect.” It involves treating one with kindness and dignity. It is true that not all parents live respectable lives. Their actions may not be worthy of honor, but because they are made in the image of God, they are worthy of honor. You can respect them for their humanity and for their position as your parents, even when you cannot respect their actions. It is always right to honor your parents and those of your marriage partner. “Leaving” parents for the purpose of marriage does not erase the responsibility to honor them.

Practical Instructions

How is this honor expressed in daily life? You honor them in such practical actions as visiting, calling, texting, communicating on social media, and in general sharing life as much as is feasible, depending on the distances between you. You communicate to them that you still love them and want to share life with them. “Leaving” must never be interpreted as “deserting.” Regular contact is essential to honoring parents. Failure to communicate with parents is saying, in effect, “I no longer care.”

By our actions, we must show our faith in Christ and honor for our parents.

A further word is necessary regarding communication with parents. Equal treatment of both sets of parents must be maintained. Remember, “For God does not show favoritism” (Rom. 2:11). We must follow His example. In practice, this means that our emails, texts, FaceTime calls, and visits must indicate our commitment to the principle of equality. If one set of parents is phoned once a month, then the other set should be phoned once a month. If one receives a newsy email once a week, then the other should receive the same. The couple should also seek to be equitable in visits, dinners, and vacations.

Perhaps the stickiest situations arise around holidays—Thanksgiving and Christmas. The wife’s mother wants them home for Christmas Eve. The husband’s mother wants them home for Christmas dinner. That may be possible if they live in the same town, but when they are five hundred miles apart, it becomes impossible. The solution must be based on the principle of equality. This may mean Christmas with one set of parents one year and with the other the following year.

Honoring with Our Speech

To “honor” implies also that we speak kindly with parents and in-laws. Paul admonishes: “Never speak harshly to an older man, but appeal to him respectfully as you would to your own father” (1 Tim. 5:1). We are to be understanding and sympathetic. Certainly we are to speak the truth, but it must always be in love (Eph. 4:15). The command of Ephesians 4:31–32 must be taken seriously in our relationship with parents: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” A further implication of honor to parents is described in 1 Timothy 5:4: “But if [a widow] has children or grandchildren, their first responsibility is to show godliness at home and repay their parents by taking care of them. This is something that pleases God.”

Show Honor with Your Actions

When we were young, our parents met our physical needs. As they grow older, we may have to do the same for them. If and when the need arises, we must bear the responsibility of caring for the physical needs of our parents. To fail in this responsibility is to deny our faith in Christ (1 Tim. 5:8). By our actions, we must show our faith in Christ and honor for our parents.