Why Do Children Do What They Do?

What children believe about themselves, you, God, learning, character, and more makes all the difference. So do your beliefs. Remember, identity controls behavior and identity is shaped by beliefs. Beliefs must change for behaviors to change. But there are other reasons children do what they do. Let’s think about those too.

Prioritize Discovering and Changing Children’s Beliefs

Help your children discern why they do what they do. Why are they kind sometimes and unkind at other times? Why is generosity hard for them? Why do they get outraged when someone isn’t fair? What experiences have formed their beliefs?

Children often don’t know why they do what they do. Uncovering their beliefs so you can reinforce them or change them requires you to observe. Look for inconsistencies, changes in attitudes, and behaviors like secrecy that will suggest why they do what they do.

Children often don’t know why they do what they do.

Watch for their reactions as you make statements to predict what might be going on. Ask questions and watch eye contact and body language that sometimes shows you what’s true. Listen for what they don’t say. This can also help you predict what they’re thinking about.

Determine Other Reasons Children Make Unwise Choices

If you can determine why children do what they do, your interventions will be more successful. Observe with your eyes and ears. Look for patterns. Know your children! Children aren’t impatient, prideful, or argumentative every day.

Keeping a written record will help you discover triggers. For example, it may not take long to discover your son brags and competes with a brother only after not doing well on an assignment or during a game. He’s insecure and disappointed and doesn’t know how to handle it. Or, you may have a daughter who is occasionally impatient, agitated, and pessimistic, none of which are her typical behaviors. You notice this happens when her dad offers to help with math homework, but not during other times. You talk with him and the two of you discern how he can interact differently with her. You keep track of her character and see that she responds well to his changes.

Knowing children’s triggers allows you to teach them to become aware so they can stop negative choices before they start. When children choose to behave immaturely and are disobedient, quickly write down the circumstances. To help you discover patterns, note what was going on, who was present, what time it was, and where you were. You can do this when you’re home, in line at a store, on the way to or from practices, or visiting at your mom’s. Some parents keep a running list on paper taped to an inside kitchen cupboard door. Others keep notes in their phone and compare those notes with their spouse.

Knowing children’s triggers allows you to teach them to become aware so they can stop negative choices before they start.

If you start keeping track of children’s outbursts and other choices that frustrate you, you’ll likely discover they’re often thirsty, hungry, tired, or bored. Start here—have them drink water before discussing their choices. They’ll now listen better. You could also share a snack with them. If they realize they feel better, in the future, they may drink more water and ask for a snack without you intervening. Something this simple can prevent poor choices and disobedience. Of course, there may be health issues. Always be willing to consult with medical professionals.

If you believe fatigue is a factor, you now have evidence that you need to put them to bed earlier or add a nap or quiet time into the day. The consequence for their immature choices and misbehavior is rest. If boredom is a factor, teach them what they can do when bored. Together, make lists of fun and practical ideas and help them remember to look there when they’re bored.

I’m grateful for all your efforts and your desire to parent differently. I’m sure you are, too! Yet, you know you’re imperfect—perfectly imperfect! You may occasionally be a factor in your children’s poor choices. Peers and others can also be a factor.[1] This is why teaching about friendship is important and discernment regarding people’s motives is worth teaching.[2]

Perhaps your children haven’t had enough instruction on the new quality you want them to use or enough experience with a new situation. Do they feel safe enough to ask you for help? If they think they’ll just get yelled at, they may not.

Children may experience doubt and fear because of the tension they feel from something going on at home. Maybe you make comparisons, or they compare themselves to siblings on their own. If they consistently feel they can’t measure up, they may not put forth their best effort. This is also true if they think perfectionism is the standard or your expectations are unrealistic. Disappointment, depression, and loneliness can cause children to choose character qualities you’d rather they not use.

What else do you think of? You may be inconsistent or not always follow through. There are many possibilities—which is a reason to keep a written record. You’ll find that each child usually has a few triggers. You may also discover that certain negative qualities, like being uncooperative, inflexible, dishonest, and apathetic, are consistently caused by the same or similar issues. Learning what causes the problems gives you something to change that can, in turn, change your children’s character.

[1]John 2:25; 10:14.

[2]Luke 4:1–13; John 1:1.