Why Learn Your Love Language?

A logical question is “How does understanding my primary love language affect my relationship with God and others?” Let me suggest the following ways.

1. Better self-understanding

Dave told me, “Nothing is more important in my life than the thirty minutes I spend with God every morning. I hear other people say that having a daily devotional time requires so much discipline on their part, but for me, it takes almost no discipline. I would rather have my devotional time than eat breakfast. It is where I find strength for the day. For me, it’s a privilege to spend time listening to God and sharing my own thoughts and feelings with Him. It is what keeps my relationship with God alive.”

Why is it so easy for Dave and so difficult for many others to maintain consistency in a daily quiet time with God? Because quality time is Dave’s primary love language and is the most natural and meaningful way of receiving and reciprocating the love of God.

Beth is a young single mother. After participating in a workshop I led called “The Love Languages of God,” she said, “Now I understand why reading devotional books is so important to me. My love language is words of affirmation. Almost every morning when I read the comments of the writer, I find a sentence or an idea that speaks deeply to me and gives me the encouragement and strength and love to go on with my responsibilities. The words are like food to my soul. That’s also why I listen to worship music in my car as I drive to work. I feel like I can conquer the world when I hear, ‘He’s my Rock and my Salvation; whom shall I fear?’ I know that God is with me and loves me.”

I met John at a church in Singapore. He was enthusiastic about his faith and told me about his weekly prayers with other men. “At our church we have a prayer meeting before the service. A small group of men gets together to pray for one another and for the service. One man gets on his knees while the other men lay their hands on his shoulders and pray for him. When the men place their hands on my shoulders and begin praying for me, it’s like God has put His hand on me. It’s the highlight of my week. I never feel closer to God than when those men are praying for me. I’m not only prepared for the service, but I’m also ready to live another week loving God. Once in a while I have to miss the morning service because of my work, but I make sure I don’t miss that weekly prayer meeting.”

Knowing one’s primary love language provides greater self-understanding. Someone else might find such a weekly prayer commitment uncomfortable and burdensome, but not John. Physical touch is his primary love language, and it’s how he feels the presence of God. When you know your primary love language, you understand why certain aspects of your relationship with God seem natural and speak so powerfully to your soul.

2. Better ability to understand and help fellow believers

A second benefit of knowing your primary love language is to better understand fellow pilgrims who are different from you. This point became perfectly clear later during my conversation with John. He explained that his wife was critical of his desire to attend those weekly early morning prayer meetings.

“She didn’t understand how important it was to me until we discussed the love language idea, which also helped me understand her. In my heart, I was always critical of her because she didn’t attend the women’s prayer meeting. I thought she would go if she really loved God. But then I discovered that my wife’s primary love language is quality time. She spends forty-five minutes every day in prayer and meditation over the Scriptures. I always felt guilty because I knew she was much better at that than me. Now I understand that the love she receives and gives to God in her daily time with Him is what I receive on Sunday mornings when God touches me. And she now understands how important my weekly prayer meetings are to me and my relationship with God.”

Clearly, knowing someone’s love language can help explain that person’s walk with God—an especially important insight when the other person is one’s spouse. Madeline was a cheerful woman whom I judged to be in her early fifties. She thanked me for helping her understand her husband, and she told me her story.

“Knowing one’s primary love language provides greater self-understanding.”

“For years I complained about how much money he gives away. He gives to everybody who asks for money, even the men holding signs at the traffic light. I used to tell him, ‘You’re just giving them money to get drunk.’ He would say, ‘But maybe they’re hungry.’ He probably gives to seventy-five Christian organizations around the world. I don’t mean just once; I mean every month. Our checkbook looks like a religious roster.

“Once I told him, ‘If giving gets you to heaven, then you’re going to have a mansion.’ He replied, ‘You don’t get to heaven by giving. You get to heaven by accepting God’s gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ. I’m not giving to get to heaven; I give because I’m going to heaven, and I want to show people the love of God on my way.’

“In my heart I knew he was right, but it always seemed to me that he was overdoing it. Now that I’ve heard about the five love languages, I understand him. Giving gifts is his primary love language. He is hopelessly in love with Jesus and his greatest joy is in giving to the causes of Christ around the world.”

“Does he also give gifts to you?” I inquired.

“Oh, all the time!” she said. “I’ve never had any complaints about that, though sometimes I have felt he overdoes those also. But now I accept them and say thank you.”

I asked, “So, do you give gifts to him as well?”

She said, “After we read and discussed your book, I realized I hadn’t given him many gifts through the years and I asked if he had really felt my love. His response was, “Oh, Madeline, you have given me the gift of your presence, the gift of your commitment, the gift of your beauty, the gift of three children, the gift of encouragement.’ He went on and on. To him everything is a gift.”

“My guess is that your primary love language is not gifts,” I continued.

“You’re right,” she said. “My love language is words of affirmation. And after we read the book, he has become much better at speaking my language. Previously, he thought gifts were the answer to everything. Now he understands that we are different. He has always given me a fair amount of verbal affirmation, but now he is becoming proficient in speaking my language. However, the biggest difference is that I no longer complain about all that he gives away. I see that it is his way of loving God, and I am fortunate to be married to such a man.”

Madeline’s attitude changed when she understood her husband’s primary love language.